Abandoned to God

For a long time now there's been this dull realization that comes with my time with God. I say dull because I kinda know it's there but don't really want to acknowledge it for what it is, so it sits over me like a fog I'm trying to ignore. Today for the first time, I looked it straight in the eyes, gave it words, and nailed down my problem. I'm not excited about my problem at all because I don't know what to do about it. I'm stuck.

So many times when I'm spending time with God, I just want to be completely abandoned to him. I want to be as on fire for him as possible. I want to be an empty vessel for him to fill. You get the picture. But, despite my good desires, there's something that keeps me from being completely abandoned. It stinks to realize it and say out loud. What keeps me from taking that final step of abandon is that I don't want to. On one hand, my deepest desire is to completely live for Christ and every moment be doing what he wants even if it's crazy. But, at the same time I don't want to do that at all because what if God tells me that I need to witness to every single person I meet, for example. Now, that seems like something that every Christian should want to do, right? And, I'm not even saying that God would ask me to do that. But, what if he does?...that's what's keeping me from giving that last piece of myself (not the evangelizing thing specifically, that's just an example of crazy stuff that God might want me to do).

I think it's not just that I don't want to do those things that he might ask me to do. It's also that I'm afraid that if I do completely abandon myself to him, he'll ask me to do something crazy, I won't want to do it, and then I'll be disobeying and therefore not being completely abandoned like I thought I was. People always say that they're glad that God didn't make us robots and that he gave us choice. Well, at this moment I'm really not liking the whole choice thing. I would much rather God just completely take over and make me pleasing to himself and make me want to do anything and everything for him. I want him to take over my mind so that I have no control whatsoever. I know, I know, I can give him all those things so that he is in control, but that's where my will comes in. That's my problem in the first place.

Truly, I do want to give that last bit that I'm holding onto, but at the same time I don't want to. I asked God to take over and make it happen. I don't know what he thinks about that, so we'll see what he has in mind.